Christmas has and always will be my favorite time of the year. The decorations, the cheer, the food, the presents and the birth of our Savior! There isn't one single thing I don't like about this time of year.
Growing up my parents struggled to make ends meet. My mom worked part time and my dad took early retirement because of his heart condition. We didn't have a lot but what we did have was well earned. My sister and I pretty much got everything we asked for from New Kids on the Block tickets to 3 wheelers to new clothes anytime we asked for them because we were good kids and my parents lived for us. My mom always made sure our birthdays and Christmas were very special. The one thing she did encourage and make sure we were fully aware of was that Christmas was(is) not about the gifts we recieve from others but the greatest gift of all: The birth of Jesus.
The one thing I don't talk about a lot is my religion. I have very deep rooted beliefs in God and the Holy Trinity. I don't hide my faith, but I don't openly discuss it either. Growing up I almost lost my Dad countless times to heart attacks. When I was 16, away on a school trip, I called home to find out my Mom, too, had been admitted to the hospital and almost died with a heart attack.That is around the time I stopped going to church and stopped believing in a higher faith.
In 1999, at the age of 18, I meet my now husband Thomas. I immediatly fell in love with him and his 9 year old daughter, Victoria. Thomas and I went on our first date for his birthday on Decemeber 10th. We were married 4 months and 1 day later. That first year of our marriage was hard but blissful! I was head over heels for this man and his daughter. The following Feburary, the 7th...my birthday, we got a phone call we will never forget. Victoria had been sick over the summer with what we were told was everything from pubertity to a stomach condition. Her mom finally had her refered to a brain specialist and they discovered Victoria had a terminal brain tumor. The next 3 years were a blurr of rushed weekend visits, doctors and hosptials and chemo and radiation and arguements with her mother. On September 17th, 2003 we got the phone call we had all been dreading. Victoria had a seizure and was not going to recover from it. 2 months later, on November 14th, just 1 month shy of her 13th birthday, Victoria passed away.
I was angry. I was angry with her mother for not taking her to the brain doctor sooner. I was angry with her doctors for not fixing her. I was angry with Thomas for not fighting with his ex over Victoria's care. But most of all I was angry with God for taking her from us. I was convinced on 11/14/2003 that there was not a God. If there was, why would He make Victoria go through so much pain and suffering and then take her from us? Why would He put all of us through the pain of watching her waste away and then die?
As time went on, the pain dulled but it was always there. Like a missing piece of my heart fell out and the hole ached. I know Victoria was my child, but I loved her just the same.
In 2004, Thomas and I decided it was time to expand our family. We had never tried to have a baby, but we had never tried not to have one. After a few months of trying without success we decided to talk to our doctor. I had always had to work hard to keep my weight under control, but the older I got the harder it was. I always chalked it up stress and working all the time instead of working out. After a few months of tests, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom. This causes me to be insulin resistant, gain and loose weight rapidly, makes me tired all the time and mood swings like a crazy person.I was refered to an endocrinologist. After seeing Dr Harris for a few months and a lot of hormone shots and tests, I was pregnant.
I woke up one morning about 4 months into my pregnancy feeling what felt like air bubbles in my side. I relized that was my baby kicking! It was that exact moment that I was overcome with emotion and I relized that God, though we may not like or understand Him, was real. Some people call it awakening, some call it being saved. I call it the day I began living my life. Everything from that moment on I would thank Him for.
Now back to Christmas. My mom always decorated every inch of the house, made cookies with us and hide presents and made my brother stand on the roof with bells to sound like Santa had arrived! These were the best memories of my childhood. I want Madison to grow up the way I did. But the one thing I don't want for her is that hopeless, lost feeling I had for so very long.
We emphasize the Christ in Christmas in our home. In our house it isn't about the amount of gifts you recieved on Christmas morning, and while Santa is celebrated, he is not the focus of our days celebration.
My wish for each of you this Christmas is peace, joy and happiness. Parents, hug your kids a little tighter and kids, listen to your parents. They are always right.
Peace~
Cristal
